To be honest, I just don't get this whole adoption birth order thing. Whose birth order does this apply to? It seems to me, this birth order business only applies to the biological child(ren). So, from the way I understand this, if we were going about this in the RIGHT way, our nine year old only child, Colby, should have remained the oldest child. He was the oldest child, right? Or was he the youngest? He was both and neither; he was an ONLY child. No matter what we did, we were screwed. Unless, of course, we adopted a child the same age. Well, this is a problem too. In the adoption world this is referred to as "virtual twinning", and it's a big no-no.
So, here is where this concept completely confuses me....what about the birth order of the kids we were hosting and hoping to adopt? In our particular situation, we had hosted Valeria, age 13, who had always been the oldest sister, and her 11 year brother, Vitalik, who had always been the youngest child. Hmmm.....Now let's just add a small twist to this birth order rule; children who have been raised in instituationalized settings in Ukraine act two years less mature than their American counterparts. They are also about two sizes smaller physically. Now what??? I give up! The best we could do was go for good chemistry and not worry about all the "rules".
As much as we never planned it this way, the fact of the matter was that our son, Colby, had been an only child for more than nine years. Bringing another child into our family was going to rock his world. Even though he had been asking for a brother or a sister since he could talk, and he was fully on-board with adoption, we knew that it was going to be a HUGE adjustment for him. Let's just be realistic here, even if we had brought home a biological newborn baby at this point in his life, that was going to take some major adjusting too.
This is why the orphan hosting program was so helpful for our family. We were able to meet and spend time with the kids in our home for three weeks (twice). I had many, many people say to us, "Oh! What a great idea! So you can make sure the kids don't have any issues, right?" Don't even get me started on how many people get caught up in issues and red flags. It's not that we were naive to the fact that some adopted children have attachment issues and behavior problems, but it just *irked* me how cynical people are. Yes, we have seen those Lifetime movies about the adoption gone wrong too. Yes, we also heard about So and So's cousin who adopted a child from overseas and the child had RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). I am not denying that adoption has it's challenges, and I am not denying that there are some children who have been so traumatized that life in a normal family situation is not ideal. We had heard the stories too, but we also knew of some pretty awesome, successful adoption stories. I finally got to the point that when people asked us if we were hosting so we could make sure the kids didn't have issues, my standard response became, "No, we are actually trying to see if these children would be willing and able to live with our issues."
From day one, our children got along quite well, however the language barrier and cultural differences made it very hard to determine if there was true chemistry. Lera and Colby's friendship was pretty immediate. They both love to talk, and they are intelligent and persistent enough to get their point across. It didn't matter if they needed charades or Google translator, they worked it out and talked up a storm!
The relationship between Colby and Vitalik was quite different. During our first hosting experience, it was very clear that Vitalik was going to take the role of the youngest child, even though he was almost two years older than Colby. He was physically much smaller, and he was unpredictable. His behavior was more like a toddler's at that point in time. His attention span for any activity was so small, he just went from one thing to another. He had no idea how to play with toys. He pouted if he didn't get his way and he was a very sore loser in any game we tried to play. In retrospect, I believe Colby was a bit afraid of Vitalik. Vitalik played very rough compared to what Colby was used to and Colby didn't completely trust that Vitalik would not try to hurt him. During this first hosting period, Shad and I never left Colby and Vitalik alone for any length of time, because, to be quite honest, we weren't sure we trusted Vitalik to not hurt Colby either. It wasn't until the very last days of that first hosting experience that the boys started to bond. In the picture below they are pretending to be a "two-headed Babushka". They didn't share the same language, so they had to use what little Russian and English they each knew. Two heads wrapped in a blanket together served for about an hour of laughter for them. The rest of us didn't think it was all that funny, but their laughter became contagious. Before long, we were all in stitches.
At the end of this hosting experience, Lera and Vitalik were fine going back to see their friends in Ukraine, but our family was never the same. It was an emotional good- bye and I think Colby was surprised by the tears that streamed down his face for hours after their departure. For the first hosting experience, Colby had given up his bedroom so Vitalik could have the loft bed and the room with toys. After the children went back to Ukraine, Colby continued to sleep in the guest room. He refused to move back to his former bedroom. He told us he just couldn't sleep in "Vitalik's room." Walking by those empty bedrooms for the next few months just about killed all of us. (A year and a half later, Colby is still sleeping in the "guest room".)
The next time we hosted them, was for three weeks at Christmas (2013). There was a little more pressure during this visit, because it was the first time we spoke to the children about adoption. We had already submitted our dossier to Ukraine by this point, but had not shared that with the kids. Now that we were more "adoption minded" it was difficult to not view every moment through the lens of forever. (for better or for worse....)
The biggest adjustment our family experienced with sibling bonding was due mostly to the vastly different personalities of our children. Colby is more of a dorky, absent-minded, professor type. He is happiest with his nose stuck in a book. He likes his quiet time and has always been a rule follower. He isn't particularly athletic and doesn't really care about competitive sports. He is an intellectual, sensitive child.
Vitalik, on the other hand, is what most would refer to as "all boy". He is strong, athletic and active. He has a hard time sitting still and impulse control is challenging. He knows there are rules, but, they are SO hard to abide by! Vitalik is a survivor and a winner. He is competitive and proud. Fortunately, like Colby, Vitalik is also senstive and has the most huge and loving heart. In some ways these two are polar opposites, but at the core of their being, they are quite the same. Neither is selfish, nor mean-sprited, nor jealous. They are both very sweet and loving.
As I mentioned before, Colby and Lera already shared a good friendship, but would the boys ever feel like friends or brothers? Would Lera and Vitalik accept Colby as a part of their relationship? Would Colby love them as forever siblings? There was no real way to know at this point, but we had been given two opportunities to live as a family, and no one could deny that there was good chemistry among all members. We had a nice Christmas together and sending them back home at the end of their second visit was even harder than the first time. We weren't entirely sure what the future was going to bring.
Fast forward to May 2014!
The immediate response of the kids seeing each other again after months apart, knowing that they were now truly family was beautiful! I can't look at the pictures below without crying. These were taken in the airport when we first arrived back in the United States with Lera and Vitalik.
Then we got home, and reality set in. Colby was acting a bit distant and unsure about things. He hadn't seen his parents for two months and now there were two more children who had shared some history with his parents that he hadn't been a part of. It took a few days for Colby to act like the Colby we knew. Our reunion wasn't awkward in any way, but something was just "off" for a few days. It's hard to describe properly in words. I guess we needed to get to know each other again. Life, as we had known it, had changed.
I thought Colby would want to miss a few days at school to stay home with his Mom and new siblings, but he was ready to get back to the life he knew. He had missed his friends and school and so after one day, he was all set to go back to life as he had known it. This was pretty disappointing for Vitalik who asked just about every 30 minutes (all day long) when Colby was going to get home from school.
When Colby did finally get home, he didn't want to play with Vitalik. He wanted to go to his room and read and do his homework ALONE. Vitalik was heart broken and confused. He had spent much of his childhood surrounded by children. There was always SOMEONE to play with. Colby had spent much of his lifetime as an only child. He was used to entertaining himself and having some space.
We have now been home for nine months and this is still an issue that we are working through. The boys have made SO much progress in their relationship since those first days. Both of the boys are now going to the same school and they are in the same grade. We did the "virtual twinning" thing completely unintentionally. (Ooops!) We broke the cardinal rules of birthorder, however, over time, this has worked out beautifully. Although they are in the same grade, the boys are not in the same classroom. They have much more in common now, but they are still unique enough to have their own friends and interests. Vitalik was Colby's biggest cheerleader at the school spelling bee and Colby is so proud when his brother scores a goal in a soccer game.
Colby has helped to teach Vitalik expected behavior in America. He has helped him to adjust to his new school and culture and language. He is proud to introduce Vitalik as his brother. Vitalik now understands the importance of education, and is working hard at school. He sees how proud we are of Colby's success in school, and he strives to make us proud with his schoolwork too.
In return, Vitalik has taught Colby the joys of getting outside for some fresh air. He has helped
give Colby more of a competitive drive. He has encouraged Colby to be more active and given him the motivation to be physically strong. He has also coached him on how to stick up for himself and not be intimidated so easily by older or bigger children.
These two.
It's hard to imagine a more mismatched pair of boys brought together by fate. For nine months these two have played, fought, laughed, cried, endured, tattled, learned and taught. More importantly, they have loved each other through it all. No matter how much these two may fight for attention or get on each other's nerves, they KNOW what it is like to be separated by an entire ocean for months at a time and they have a special appreciation of what it means to have a brother. It hasn't been "easy", but I couldn't be more proud of these guys. They have made the most of what would be difficult for many adults. Nine months as brothers is just the beginning of a special life- long relationship, but a huge milestone in their little lives.
