Breaking the Rules...Our Experience with Adopting out of Birth Order and Virtual Twinning

I have a confession to make.... we adopted out of birth order! *GASP!*

To be honest, I just don't get this whole adoption birth order thing.  Whose birth order does this apply to? It seems to me, this birth order business only applies to the biological child(ren).  So, from the way I understand this, if we were going about this in the RIGHT way, our nine year old only child, Colby, should have remained the oldest child. He was the oldest child, right? Or was he the youngest? He was both and neither; he was an ONLY child.  No matter what we did, we were screwed. Unless, of course, we adopted a child the same age. Well, this is a problem too. In the adoption world this is referred to as "virtual twinning", and it's a big no-no.

So, here is where this concept completely confuses me....what about the birth order of the kids we were hosting and hoping to adopt?  In our particular situation, we had hosted Valeria, age 13, who had always been the oldest sister, and her 11 year brother, Vitalik, who had always been the youngest child.   Hmmm.....Now let's just add a small twist to this birth order rule; children who have been raised in instituationalized settings in Ukraine act two years less mature than their American counterparts. They are also about two sizes smaller physically. Now what???  I give up! The best we could do was go for good chemistry and not worry about all the "rules".

As much as we never planned it this way, the fact of the matter was that our son, Colby, had been an only child for more than nine years. Bringing another child into our family was going to rock his world.  Even though he had been asking for a brother or a sister since he could talk, and he was fully on-board with adoption, we knew that it was going to be a HUGE adjustment for him. Let's just be realistic here, even if we had brought home a biological newborn baby at this point in his life, that was going to take some major adjusting too.

This is why the orphan hosting program was so helpful for our family. We were able to meet and spend time with the kids in our home for three weeks (twice). I had many, many people say to us, "Oh! What a great idea! So you can make sure the kids don't have any issues, right?" Don't even get me started on how many people get caught up in issues and red flags.  It's not that we were naive to the fact that some adopted children have attachment issues and behavior problems, but it just *irked* me how cynical people are.  Yes, we have seen those Lifetime movies about the adoption gone wrong too. Yes, we also heard about So and So's cousin who adopted a child from overseas and the child had RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). I am not denying that adoption has it's challenges, and I am not denying that there are some children who have been so traumatized that life in a normal family situation is not ideal.  We had heard the stories too, but we also knew of some pretty awesome, successful adoption stories. I finally got to the point that when people asked us if we were hosting so we could make sure the kids didn't have issues, my standard response became, "No, we are actually trying to see if these children would be willing and able to live with our issues."

From day one, our children got along quite well, however the language barrier and cultural differences made it very hard to determine if there was true chemistry. Lera and Colby's friendship was pretty immediate. They both love to talk, and they are intelligent and persistent enough to get their point across. It didn't matter if they needed charades or Google translator, they worked it out and talked up a storm!

The relationship between Colby and Vitalik was quite different. During our first hosting experience, it was very clear that Vitalik was going to take the role of the youngest child, even though he was almost two years older than Colby. He was physically much smaller, and he was unpredictable.  His behavior was more like a toddler's at that point in time.  His attention span for any activity was so small, he just went from one thing to another. He had no idea how to play with toys. He pouted if he didn't get his way and he was a very sore loser in any game we tried to play.  In retrospect, I believe Colby was a bit afraid of Vitalik. Vitalik played very rough compared to what Colby was used to and Colby didn't completely trust that Vitalik would not try to hurt him. During this first hosting period, Shad and I never left Colby and Vitalik alone for any length of time, because, to be quite honest, we weren't sure we trusted Vitalik to not hurt Colby either.  It wasn't until the very last days of that first hosting experience that the boys started to bond.  In the picture below they are pretending to be a "two-headed Babushka".  They didn't share the same language, so they had to use what little Russian and English they each knew.  Two heads wrapped in a blanket together served for about an hour of laughter for them.  The rest of us didn't think it was all that funny, but their laughter became contagious. Before long, we were all in stitches.



At the end of this hosting experience, Lera and Vitalik were fine going back to see their friends in Ukraine, but our family was never the same. It was an emotional good- bye and I think Colby was surprised by the tears that streamed down his face for hours after their departure. For the first hosting experience, Colby had given up his bedroom so Vitalik could have the loft bed and the room with toys. After the children went back to Ukraine, Colby continued to sleep in the guest room. He refused to move back to his former bedroom. He told us he just couldn't sleep in "Vitalik's room."  Walking by those empty bedrooms for the next few months just about killed all of us. (A year and a half later, Colby is still sleeping in the "guest room".)





The next time we hosted them, was for three weeks at Christmas (2013).  There was a little more pressure during this visit, because it was the first time we spoke to the children about adoption.  We had already submitted our dossier to Ukraine by this point, but had not shared that with the kids. Now that we were more "adoption minded" it was difficult to not view every moment through the lens of forever. (for better or for worse....)

The biggest adjustment our family experienced with sibling bonding was due mostly to the vastly different personalities of our children.  Colby is more of a dorky, absent-minded, professor type. He is happiest with his nose stuck in a book. He likes his quiet time and has always been a rule follower. He isn't particularly athletic and doesn't really care about competitive sports.  He is an intellectual, sensitive child.

Vitalik, on the other hand, is what most would refer to as "all boy". He is strong, athletic and active. He has a hard time sitting still and impulse control is challenging.  He knows there are rules, but, they are SO hard to abide by! Vitalik is a survivor and a winner. He is competitive and proud.  Fortunately, like Colby, Vitalik is also senstive and has the most huge and loving heart.  In some ways these two are polar opposites, but at the core of their being, they are quite the same. Neither is selfish, nor mean-sprited, nor jealous. They are both very sweet and loving.

As I mentioned before, Colby and Lera already shared a good friendship, but would the boys ever feel like friends or brothers?  Would Lera and Vitalik accept Colby as a part of their relationship? Would Colby love them as forever siblings? There was no real way to know at this point, but we had been given two opportunities to live as a family, and no one could deny that there was good chemistry among all members. We had a nice Christmas together and sending them back home at the end of their second visit was even harder than the first time.  We weren't entirely sure what the future was going to bring.

Fast forward to May 2014!

The immediate response of the kids seeing each other again after months apart, knowing that they were now truly family was beautiful! I can't look at the pictures below without crying. These were taken in the airport when we first arrived back in the United States with Lera and Vitalik.






 

Then we got home, and reality set in.  Colby was acting a bit distant and unsure about things.  He hadn't seen his parents for two months and now there were two more children who had shared some history with his parents that he hadn't been a part of.  It took a few days for Colby to act like the Colby we knew.  Our reunion wasn't awkward in any way, but something was just "off" for a few days. It's hard to describe properly in words. I guess we needed to get to know each other again. Life, as we had known it, had changed.

I thought Colby would want to miss a few days at school to stay home with his Mom and new siblings, but he was ready to get back to the life he knew. He had missed his friends and school and so after one day, he was all set to go back to life as he had known it.  This was pretty disappointing for Vitalik who asked just about every 30 minutes (all day long) when Colby was going to get home from school.

When Colby did finally get home, he didn't want to play with Vitalik. He wanted to go to his room and read and do his homework ALONE.  Vitalik was heart broken and confused. He had spent much of his childhood surrounded by children. There was always SOMEONE to play with.  Colby had spent much of his lifetime as an only child.  He was used to entertaining himself and having some space.

We have now been home for nine months and this is still an issue that we are working through. The boys have made SO much progress in their relationship since those first days. Both of the boys are now going to the same school and they are in the same grade.  We did the "virtual twinning" thing completely unintentionally. (Ooops!) We broke the cardinal rules of birthorder, however, over time, this has worked out beautifully. Although they are in the same grade, the boys are not in the same classroom.  They have much more in common now, but they are still unique enough to have their own friends and interests.  Vitalik was Colby's biggest cheerleader at the school spelling bee and Colby is so proud when his brother scores a goal in a soccer game.

Colby has helped to teach Vitalik expected behavior in America. He has helped him to adjust to his new school and culture and language. He is proud to introduce Vitalik as his brother. Vitalik now understands the importance of education, and is working hard at school.  He sees how proud we are of Colby's success in school, and he strives to make us proud with his schoolwork too.

In return, Vitalik has taught Colby the joys of getting outside for some fresh air. He has helped
give Colby more of a competitive drive. He has encouraged Colby to be more active and given him the motivation to be physically strong. He has also coached him on how to stick up for himself and not be intimidated so easily by older or bigger children.



These two. 

It's hard to imagine a more mismatched pair of boys brought together by fate. For nine months these two have played, fought, laughed, cried, endured, tattled, learned and taught. More importantly, they have loved each other through it all. No matter how much these two may fight for attention or get on each other's nerves, they KNOW what it is like to be separated by an entire ocean for months at a time and they have a special appreciation of what it means to have a brother. It hasn't been "easy", but I couldn't be more proud of these guys. They have made the most of what would be difficult for many adults. Nine months as brothers is just the beginning of a special life- long relationship, but a huge milestone in their little lives.

Saying, "I Do" to your Adopted Teen (How Teen Adoption is More Like a Marriage....)

Adopting a teenager (or two) is about as unnatural as it gets. Everytime I recall how I acted toward my parents during my teenage years, I just cringe. I knew everything, all their rules were stupid, and they just didn't get it. I have heard people declare that this is God's plan to help parents prepare for their childrens' departure from the nest.  In a "normal" situation, this is quite brilliant. When you are adopting teenagers, however, this really makes a mess of things.  The adoption professionals say you are supposed to cocoon, and bond, and attach.  In theory, this sounds great, however, typical teenagers really want nothing to do with their parents. So, how on earth do you simultaneously bond with your newly adopted teenagers AND prepare them for life outside of the nest?  I have no idea. Apparently, no one else has any idea either because, as I always say, there are no books for this!

One thing that I have learned about adopting teens is that good old-fashioned parenting tactics aren't particularly helpful.  If you are an avid follower of Dr. Spock or even Parent Magazine, and/or have already raised four successful adult members of society and "know exactly what you are doing", good luck with this! I don't care how experienced anyone claims to be at this, the truth is we are all just treading water. From what I can tell on Facebook, the experienced teen parents and the blissfully ignorant adults who have never raised teens, both end up with about the same level of disillusionment at some point. These kiddos are all over the spectrum with emotional intelligence, development, and traumatic pasts. Advice from friends and "parent experts", no matter how well meaning, is just not going to cut it. 

So, here is my best non-expert advice in regards to raising adopted teenagers:  Pretend you are marrying them. I know how strange and unconventional this sounds, but stick with me for a moment. Adopting and/or hosting a teenager really has more similarities to dating and marriage than it does to bringing home a new baby.

To illustrate my point, let's play a little imagination game....

Pretend you are a 14 year old girl growing up in a poor nation.  Life has never been easy, and from the time you were 4 years old, you were helping to raise all your younger siblings. "For your own good", your parents arrange a marriage for you. The man you are to marry is a nice, Christian man. He lives in the United States. Sure, it is on the other side of the globe, but you will live in a fancy house! You will never go to bed cold and hungry. You can afford all the clothes and luxuries your heart desires. You will get a good education. You understand that your parents want you to have a better life, and have your best interests at heart.  You want to do the right thing, but you don't really want to leave your own country.  Even though you have met the man you are to marry, and he seems to be an upstanding person, you are scared to leave your family and everything you know.

  

This new life is supposed to be BETTER, even if no one speaks your language. Even if the culture is completely different from the one you are used to. Even if the food is different, the people are different, the smells are different, the rules are different, the schools are different, and your own friends and family are half a world away. It's "better" you are told, and so you do what you think is best.

Pretend that after you have agreed to this marriage, everything is progressing as planned. For your future husband's sake you are trying to act excited. Half of you is anxious to see where this new and better life takes you, but the other half of you is hesitant. You see how happy your new husband is that you have agreed to this marriage. You even believe that this man you have agreed to marry is genuinely in love with you. Now, imagine that one day your taxi driver tells you, "Don't go to America with this guy. This is a scam! He is paying your parents a lot of money. When he gets you to America, he is going to kill you and sell you for your body parts."

Does this sound insane? It is.  Does this sound a bit dramatic and far-fetched? Yes, it certainly does. Is this true?  It is absolutely 100% true that at some point your children will be told this.  It may not come from the taxi driver. These words may come from a caretaker at the orphanage, a trusted teacher, or even a biological family member. Why on earth would these adults say such things to a child?  Is it because they are jealous of the orphans or because they hate Americans? Maybe, but as recently as 2005, there was an actual ring of criminals who were busted for killing and harvesting organs from orphans and prisoners.

It's beyond my imagination, but this was actually a real thing. I'm sure you heard all about this on the news. No? Well, in your defense, 2005 was the year that Tom Cruise jumped on Oprah's couch to declare his love for Katie Holmes. 2005 was also when Brad Pitt left Jennifer Anniston for Angelina Jolie.  There were some pretty big, important events happening in the United States at that time, so if you missed the organ harvesting of orphans news, it's completely and totally understandable.

Back to our imagination game...
Fast forward a few months and you are trying to adjust to your new and better life. Everyone who meets you and your new husband congratulates him on what a GREAT thing he has done by bringing you to the USA, the best place on Earth! This man is a saint and you should be grateful. He saved your life! You know you should be grateful, and you *are*, except you miss your homeland. No one comments about how brave you were to leave everything you knew. No one thinks to ask how you are doing. You are in AMERICA now.  Of course, you are happy!  You won the lottery!

Now, pretend you allow your true feelings to show. You get sad. You get angry. You may even cry. You might shut yourself in your room for the day, because the sadness of it all takes over. Perhaps, you even run away. You love your husband, and you are thankful to have a warm house and food on the table, but it doesn't take the place of HOME. You are now a citizen of the United States and going back home just to visit is costly and complicated.  You are overwhelmed by the reality of this situation and you feel so alone. You can't even communicate your feelings to your new husband, because your English is so limited.

In a good situation, your husband understands your feelings, hugs you and cries with you.  He understands why you are so sad and wishes he could change the things he has no control over. The best he can do is help you through the grieiving process and let you share your feelings.  He helps you to maintain contact with the people you are missing so much, and allows you to continue to honor the traditions, beliefs, religion, and culture you are used to.  He will want to try new foods, he will not insist that your new country is better, he will honor the family you are no longer with. He will be happy when you meet people you can converse with in your native language.

In a less than ideal situation, your husband will take your feelings personally. Afterall, he went through a great deal of paperwork, emotional turmoil, and money to get you here.  How dare you not be thankful and forget everything about your former life?  Things in the United States are BETTER. If you have crazy fantasies about returning to your homeland when you are 18, then you are an ungrateful wife and you don't know how things are in the real world.

He will point out what your future possibilities entailed in your own homeland, he will remind you of how you got to be at the point where you were encourged to leave your country in the first place. He will remind you of all that was BAD in your homeland and how everything in your new country is BETTER.  He may even tell you that this is what GOD had planned for you.

He may decide that everytime you talk to someone from your homeland, you act differently, so he cuts off all your communication with friends and family. He does this because the experts have told him that it is necessary to adapt properly to your new life in the United States. He is trying to do what is best. He does love you and he is trying to do the best thing.

Your new husband may even tell you that you can not dress the way you are used to dressing, you are not allowed to style or cut your hair the way you want to, you need to eat the food that is put in front of you when he tells you to eat it.  He may control when you go to bed, when to wake up, how long you are allowed to use the phone that you paid for, and who you can and cannot be friends with. He may even forbid you to speak your native language in his house.  "English only," he insists.  Again, the experts have told him that this is what he needs to do to be a loving husband and to make you the best wife you can be.  It's for your own good. You will understand someday.

How awesome does this arranged marriage deal sound?  Sign me up for this!!

How many of you would be happy in this situation? I can't imagine I would be.  Unfortunately, this make-believe scenario has many similarities to what Internationally adopted teenagers experience. My daughter tells me that many of her friends feel like a bird trapped in a golden cage. (I suspect she does too, but is too nice to say it.)

Before we adopted our children, I got some very wise advice from a friend, Shelly.  I hope she doesn't mind me borrowing her brilliant insight, because quite honestly, if there is someone who should be writing this blog post or the "How to Raise Adopted Teenagers" Book, it is her.  The problem is that she can't write this blog post because in addition to her two adopted teenagers, she has three younger boys.  The woman is a phenom, and I am so blessed to have her and her loving, realistic, and nonjudgmental advice. Coincidentally, she and her husband also adopted a sibling pair from Ukraine by the names of Lera and Vitalik!

So, here is what she said to me one day via FB messenger (because how on earth would she have time to talk in person???)  "The whole adoption journey is a lot like an arranged marriage... it's so similar to getting married because you become a family with people who have a history you weren't there for, and you commit to loving the complete package - with all of the stuff that comes with them - very much like when we fall in love with a man and take him, his crazy family, his past girlfriends, whatever, ya know?"

Truer words were never spoken.  As far as I am concerned, Shelly is an absolute genius because she understands the spirit which is necessary for raising these kids. Adoptive parents need to have respect for all the things their children managed in life long before they ever knew who their adoptive parents were going to be. If you go about this relationship in a mutually respectful way, there is a lot to be learned from these kids.  They have as much to teach as they do to learn.  That is part of the magic of adopting teenagers.

Now, before anyone gets too crazy, I am not suggesting that you need to be your child's best friend and give them everything they want, when they want it. You have to be a parent first, however, I don't think this means your kids have to hate you.  I know people who full-on brag that their kids don't like them and they are PROUD of it!  To some, the fact that their children hate them means that they are better parents.  Perhaps this is so, but I have to admit, I want my children to like me. They don't have to like all my rules, they don't have to like all of my decisions, but if they like ME it just makes life so much easier! If they like me, I can get far more out of them.  This is important to me, because I also like my kids.  Of course, I love them, but I actually REALLY like them too. I enjoy them.  I don't always like their decisions, I don't always like their behavior, but most of the time I like them, and no matter what I always LOVE them.

Adopting teenagers is not easy, but I don't think it is any harder than raising a colicky newborn.  The difference is that the newborn can't get up and walk out the door when he is mad, and the teenager can. It's difficult in a whole other way.

At the end of the day, I couldn't be happier with our decision to adopt older children. For my husband and me (and American born son), this is the stuff of Fairy Tales.  We wanted more children, and *poof!* God matched us up! OK, admittedly, it was a bit more complicated than that, but do not be fooled for one moment, this was not a Fairy Tale for our Ukrainian children. I struggle with this. I struggle with this every. single. day.  I pray that we are what is best for these beloved children of ours, but I am not always convinced. You will never hear me claim that we were called by God to adopt.  If anything, it was us dialing the phone. We called God. (And we called him, and called him, and called him until after 10 years he gave us an answer.)   I am not certain I am any better for my children than where they came from.  I was born in the United States and I have more opportunities than their parents had in Ukraine. This doesn't make me better. It makes me different. When my children turn 18 they may decide to move back to Ukraine.  As selfishly as I hope they choose to live in the United States, we will support them in whatever decision they make. This is our reality. It is a a difficult reality for us, as their (American) parents. Perhaps we have many trips to Ukraine in our future.  I don't know.  What I do know, is that geography will not keep us from loving these kids. Geography will not keep us from being their (American) parents.  They are a part of our lives and our hearts, regardless of what they decide down the road.

Afterall, we promised God to love and honor these children, for better or worse, 'til death us do part. (As unromantic as it is, we also promised a Ukrainian Judge.) It may not have been in a church ceremony for all to see, and no rings were exchanged. This is the promise we made to our kids and to God, and we will honor it for all the days of our lives.

"Two? Are you Crazy?!?" How we Came to Decide to Host a Sibling Pair

WAY back, when Shad and I were first married, and I was having major baby cravings, I got Shad to agree to adopting a kitten. Believe me, this was no small feat! When Shad and I were dating, he told me he wasn't really a "pet person".  I never took that comment seriously. So, as with the comments he made about only wanting two kids maximum, I knew this was something I could manipulate down the road.  When he fell in love with me enough, he would want nothing more than my happiness. Of course, he would see that I needed a cat or three. (And a baby or six...)

So, one blissful, April, Saturday morning we went to the Broward County Humane Society in Florida. If you haven't had the pleasure of visiting this particular Humane Society, it is one of the fanciest places I have ever been.  It's the Biltmore or Taj Mahal for unwanted cats and dogs.  The establishment is immaculately clean and doesn't even smell like animals. I wish I could say that the institution where two of my kids spent many of their childhood years was even half as well funded as this place, but I digress....

Back to the Broward County Humane Society, where we found the two cutest kittens alive.  How would I ever choose between the two of them?  They were two female kittens from the same litter and they were absolutely adorable. I knew that I was already on thin ice, so asking Shad to get BOTH of them, would have been absolutely out of the question. I wasn't going to press my luck.

Now, in order to adopt a pet from the Broward County Humane Society, you need to prove that you are worthy. There was paperwork to be filled out, a waiting period, and then an INTERVIEW before we could even hold the kitten we were interested in. I was certain they were going to see right through Shad and *know* that he was a self-proclaimed "not a pet person". It was a stressful, emotional day! (Go ahead and laugh...at the time, this was stressul stuff!)

Finally, *the* moment arrived when we could actually meet the kitten that we had inquired about.  I guess our references checked out and we passed the intensive interview session enough to give the appearance that we were capable of remembering to feed a cat and change its litter box.  We were invited into a special room, where we were going to get to meet our little bundle of joy! For reasons I still don't understand, they brought in BOTH kittens.  Shad held one, and I held the other. We were so excited to have reached this momentous occasion where we could be the official parents to one of these cute, fluffy creatures!

Now, if Shad was the one telling this story, this is where he would say, "Cue the Crazy Lady!"  To this day, Shad is absolutely convinced we were scammed. About 90 seconds into our big moment, a lady with puffy, red eyes asked if she could come in and hold one of the kittens. She claimed that she knew she sounded crazy, but these kittens looked exactly like a cat that she'd had for years that had just died.  Of course, we said, "Yes".  Without saying it out-loud, Shad and I were both thinking, "Perfect! This lady will take one of the kittens, and we will take her sister. What a fortunate moment!"  After a few lovely minutes of passing the kittens around and "oohing" and "awwing" over them, Shad finally asked Grieving Cat Mother, which one she wanted. He explained that we would take the other one. Now, this is the point where Shad became concerned this woman was a con-artist, and I became convinced she was an angel from Heaven.  Her response to his question was a horrified face and "OH NO!! You can't separate these two! It would be devasting for them!  These cats were born to the same mother and they need to be adopted TOGETHER!"  

The end of this story is that we adopted both kittens.

Now, before anyone gets all bent out of shape, I am in NO WAY suggesting that adopting cats is the same as adopting children. I actually wish that we didn't use the word "adoption" for choosing to raise a cat or dog that we didn't give birth to.  It's borderline offensive, but I don't make the dictionary or semantic rules, so it is what it is. For whatever reason, there are not two separate words in the English language to distinguish between raising animals and raising children that were birthed by another Mother.

Fast forward over a decade as we are trying to pick a child to host....  OMG! I cannot even begin to explain how hard this process is!  (This is another blog post altogether.)  In a strange twist of fate, it was my husband who kept looking at the picture of the brother-sister pair who now share our last name.  My response was, "TWO?  Are you CRAZY?!?"  We had raised one child for close to a decade and were finally reaching the stage where things were getting "easier". The thought of hosting one child from another country, who did not speak our language seemed insane enough. My husband was suggesting that we take the insanity just one step further. He actually thought we could handle a 13 year old girl and her 11 year old brother. Whoa!  I wasn't so sure. I was terrified, quite honestly. My husband, (God Bless him!), is an elementary school teacher. He has worked with 5th-8th graders for 17 years.  I am a firm believer that the secret to his success with this age group is that he is not that much more mature than they are. He seriously fits right in. (Bathroom humor? Right up his alley!) I couldn't believe that he was suggesting that we host two children. It went against everything I thought I knew about him.  This was the guy who didn't think we should adopt two KITTENS, and now he was suggesting that taking care of two KIDS was a good idea?  Clearly, he had lost his mind. Furthermore, anyone who has ever met my husband knows how incredibly tight he is with money. Parsimonious, is actually a much more accurate word. (For those who aren't currently studying for their SATs, this word basically means: as cheap as cheap can be.) So, if I was getting this all straight, not only were we going to be out-numbered by children, but we were going to pay the hosting fees for two children (double the money), then potentially we would adopt two children (double the money), and then raise three children (much more than double the money).  I went to bed that night thinking that this was just a phase, and that in the morning he would be the same tight-wad husband I was used to.

It wasn't a phase.

I suggested that perhaps we could ask Julia (our future adoption faciliator and the individual who had actually interviewed all these children) for her opinion.  Trying to bring my husband back to reality, I thought Julia would set his mind straight.  I instructed Shad, specifically, to make sure she was keeping in mind that we had a 9 year old only child.

 Here is where I need to say that God definitely has an incredible sense of humor.  Guess who Julia's first recommendation was!  (I know, this is a ridiculously easy question two years later.) In the event anyone is confused, she recommended Valeria and Vitalik, the same sister and brother pair that Shad had already set his heart upon. Within a few days we were were sending off our deposit check to Marina's Kids to make sure that we could host Valeria and Vitalik before anyone else had the chance to have them.

I am not always the most generous wife with giving my husband credit for anything. We are both pretty stubborn, know-everything, control freaks.  But, here, I am going to put it in writing, for the entire world wide web to see.....my husband made one of the best decisions of our lives. I am so honored and proud that these two children have now given us the title of Mommy and Daddy.

What you should know about Orphan Hosting (part two)

This picture is from the first hours we brought our host children home.  We weren't even trying to be all color-coordinated and cute... it was just good chemistry!

If you didn't read my "What you should know about Orphan Hosting (part one)" I would highly recommend reading that post first.  It is a view of hosting shared mostly from the eyes of the host family.  This post is going to be more about how hosting benefits the child or children that you are hosting.

There are some people who have very strong negative opinions about hosting orphans and their logic goes something like this, "It is cruel to bring these kids to America and then to send them back." There is one particular blog that makes me so IRATE every time I read it, that I can't help myself from bashing it here publicly.  The title of this particular blog post is, "Host an Orphan (and mess with a child's head) Program."  The article goes on to claim that one particular Orphan Hosting program brings these poor foreign orphans from other countries to affluent American towns to "showcase them." This particular blogger has no problems with a domestic child having the same opportunity "locally". He  states that he  thinks the foreign orphan trial period is tasteless and cruel, and that it helps facilitate foreign child trade.

He goes on to say, "The sheer brilliance of this promotional program is this:  hosting families are not obligated to agree to a purchase-plan -- all they have to do is showcase the kids, so others can look over the inventory, and decide if a foreign orphan would fit and feel right in the potential client's home.

It does not hurt if the showcase advertising hosting family already has an adopted orphan or two. ("I not only help support the big sellers in Adoptionland, I'm a paying member, and proud orphan owner, too.").

This just disgusts me.

I would bet my paycheck that this blogger has never experienced a day in the life of an orphan, and he is just looking to criticize those of us who are trying to do something positive. I would also venture to say that this author has also never lifted a finger to help what he refers to as "domestic orphans" and just needs to have something for his hands to do, as in typing critical things about something he knows little about.  I don't see this individual ever reaching out further than his computer keyboard to do anything beneficial to change what he sees as such an injustice. 

Here's a big newsflash to you, Mr. Cynical Blogger..... not all orphans even WANT to be adopted! That's right, this isn't quite like the cute musical "Little Orphan Annie". These kiddos don't sit around late at night singing about the family that left them and is coming back to get them someday or dreaming about rich Daddy Warbucks coming to save them from their poor, wretched little lives.  

Many of these kids are quite comfortable in the surroundings they are in. They don't know any different. They are comfortable with what they know.  Going to America where the culture is vastly different, where their native language is not readily spoken, where the food is not the same and where everything smells weird and different is not something they day dream about on a regular basis. Having parents who tell them what to do, how to do it, when to do it, is not exactly a wish come true for some of these kids who have basically raised themselves.

So, why then, is Orphan Hosting so important?

Well, for one, it gives children the opportunity to see what a loving home and family looks like. Many of these children have never lived in a home with a family. Others of them had it once upon a time, but it has been so many years, that they don't have clear memories of it.  They don't know if they want to be adopted or not, because they have NO idea what the concept even means, and it's scary. If they don't get adopted and they become adults without parental guidance, they will have some knowledge of what a healthy adult relationship is supposed to look like. Hopefully, this experience will lead to them being better partners and parents in their own lives, rather than repeating the same mistakes of the previous generation.

Another important aspect of hosting is that the children have a chance to connect with an adult mentor, or a Mother and Father figure  who say, "I love you. You are important."  Whether or not adoption is in the future, your relationship with this child can be life-long.  When Ukrainian orphans "age-out" of the system at the age of 16 many of them have no adult guidance in their lives.  Sadly, a good many of the girls turn to prostitution to survive. Many of the boys get involved in drug sales. A good number of them get swept up into human trafficking, and between 10-15% of these children commit suicide within two years of leaving the orphanage.  They are easy targets with little resources.  The statistics are sobering.

On a lighter note, getting away from their normal surroundings is a huge adventure!  They get to visit a new country, a different culture, and learn a new language. They get to eat new food and live life the way we do in America.  This is not just an American phenonemon.  Many of these kids get hosted in European countries for vacation as well, such as Italy. This picture is from our kids' first time to the beach!  We didn't know it was their first time, until we saw the utter shock on their faces that the water was salty!

Many host families are able to connect with Optometrists and Dentists who are willing to see the orphans at no charge to host families! This is HUGE! Vitalik came to us with terrible tooth pain and we found a very generous dentist who did quite an amount of dental work on our children out of the goodness of her heart.  Friends of ours had a host daughter who couldn't see. They brought her to the local optometrist and she received a free eye exam and glasses, donated by the doctor. When the community becomes involved, amazing things happen! I have even heard a story of an Old Navy store closing it's doors, giving each of the children $50 gift cards and letting them shop for new clothes!

As sad as it is for the host family to see them leave, many of these kids are happy to go back to their home at the orphanage in Ukraine at the end of their stay.  They have missed their friends! They want to share their stories, pictures, and gifts with the children who were not chosen for hosting.  These children have very generous hearts and they shared every single thing we sent back with them, from toys, to games, to clothing.  It made them feel important to be able to do this,

My most important advice to anyone considering this, is to reasearch the hosting agency. Talk with people who have first hand experience with the program and the people who run it. Not all agencies are created equally.  

My second piece of advice for any of you who are willing to step out of your comfort zone for the benefit of a child is to reasearch  all you can about the child's culture and get in contact with families who have done this before. Talk to those who adopted the children and those who haven't (and ask why). Learn as much as you can about attachment parenting, parenting with connection, and just good old-fashioned behavior managment techniques that work with any child (without yelling and physical punishment).  There are no books for this experience, but there is certainly a wealth of information out there, if you are willing to look and listen.

What you should know about Orphan Hosting (part one)

Until today, writing this blog has been very easy; I am simply re-telling our family's love story. This post, however, is not flowing out the way my past blogs have.  I want to tell everyone how magical and wonderful adopting teens can be, but there is just no way to skirt around the fact that there is some really sad stuff that happened before we all met. I have so many fears in writing about this. My biggest fear is that it will upset my adopted children (even though they are the ones who sent me to my room to write my next blog post after nine hours at my "real job"). My second biggest fear is that I will not do the subject justice.  I am not an orphan hosting expert.  I am not an adoption expert.  I am far from a parenting expert.  The problem with this subject is that there are not enough "experts"! Most parents who are in the middle of the experience do not have time to sit down and write about it. My favorite saying through this whole experience has been, "There are no books for this!"  Sure, there are some great adoption books out there about connection, trauma, attachment, cocooning, red flags, issues, and how to deal with rude comments from the public, but there are NO books that talk about just the everyday "stuff", and certainly not about hosting.

Of course, as with everything, every experience is unique, with some commonalities. Most people can relate to how incredibly exhausting bringing a newborn baby home from the hospital is.  Hosting orphans is kind of like that with some pretty major exceptions.   

Exception #1:  THERE ARE NO NAPS. 

There was no "sleep when the baby sleeps" about this experience. The kids we hosted were active. (Far more active than their American counterparts!)  From our experience, and what we have heard from others, there are a few reasons for this.  The first is just obvious....there is a seven hour time difference between here and Ukraine. The other reasons are a little less obvious to those of us who are not "in the know".  When you are being raised in an institutionalized setting, going to sleep is not always a safe idea.  Sleeping brings on nightmares about things from the past. Sleep also makes you vulnerable; you can't protect yourself when you are asleep.  A coping mechanism that many of these children learn is how to self-stimulate to keep themselves awake ALL NIGHT LONG.  One long-term effect of this habit is that these children do not have the opportunity to grow properly.  That's because growth hormone is normally released during sleep. If someone consistently gets too little sleep (known as "sleep deprivation"), growth hormone is suppressed. Ukrainian orphans are typically two sizes smaller than their American counterparts, and this is one of the major reasons. Vitalik, our now 12 year old son, looked about two years younger than our younger, biological son. Here is a picture to demonstrate:

On the left is my biological son Colby, age 9.  On the right is my adopted son, Vitalik, then 11. The first few nights you host an older child, you might find something like this at 3:00am:

These kids don't cry like newborns to let you know they need something. They won't even come into your room to tell you they had a bad dream or that they are awake.They will stay very quiet and fend for themselves.  They will tell you to go back to bed, and that you don't need to stay awake with them. You will be exhausted and want to go back to bed, but if you stay awake, something magical happens. They start to trust you and bond with you.  Some of my most favorite first memories with Vitalik took place when the rest of the continent was asleep.  Not very different than with the son I gave birth to!

Exception #2: THERE IS NO CUTE LAYETTE TO DRESS THEM IN

Chances are, even if you have the most supportive friends and family in the whole world, no one threw you a baby shower.  If you have friends that give you hand-me-downs their kids out-grew, and toys to play with, these are your BEST friends. They are the ones that "get it".  The children will arrive with exactly two outfits...the one they are wearing when they meet you and something to sleep in (I would not even venture to say "pajamas".)  The clothes they bring are not even their own clothes.  They are community clothes from the orphanage.  Someone has taken inventory, and these clothes BETTER make it back to Ukraine at the end of the trip, regardless of how worn out or inappropriate they may be.  (EVEN if they are underwear with a Play Boy Bunny logo and you want to burn them.) Additionally, even though you have been nesting with the best of the pregnant parents and having a blast, don't be shocked, hurt, or surprised if the kids don't like anything you bought them.  So, for fun times sake, here are some AMAZING outfits Shad and I picked out for Lera that she hated.

A newborn baby may vomit on or soil their cute new clothing, but your hosted teen child will most likely just tell you straight out, that it is not their "style" and/or make a face and say the one English word they know, "NO." If you are under the mistaken assumption that an orphan would love ANYTHING new, you need to take a trip to Ukraine and see how fashion conscious this culture is.  Cute little clothes from Justice were just not going to cut it. Colby's Gymboree hand-me-downs were not exactly Vitalik's style either. We were so ill-equipped for parenting tweens!  The truth is, we were so ill-equipped for parenting a newborn too. The biggest difference  here, is that the newborn couldn't tell you what a failure you were (and by God's grace, they forget all the stupid stuff you did!)

Exception #3: FEEDING IS MORE THAN FORMULA OR "BREAST IS BEST"
What on earth do you feed these kids?!?!?  One thing I know for absolute certain, is that you do NOT feed them McDonald's, or pizza, or hamburgers, or hot-dogs, or anything AMERICAN.  If the food is AMERICAN, it is going to make them fat.  The end.  The last thing on earth a child from Ukraine wants to be is FAT.  They are happy to tell you all about this in any words, translator app on your phone, or through charades.  "You" (they point) have BIG belly.  "Me" have six pack!"  This is a source of pride.  They know Americans are fat, and they are not going to go back to Ukraine in this condition.  Ice-cream, on the other hand was NOT American, and they could eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's and not lose any of their Ukrainian pride. Fortunately, our hosting agency, Marina's Kids had a very simple "cook book" so we had some idea those first few days. Over the three weeks that we had the kids, they did gain some much needed weight, and they also had a safe environment to sleep in. We had to keep them away from the bathroom scales, but while our kids were with us they had the proper combination of sleep and nutrition to grow. Even over a three week span of time, this was a huge gift!

Exception #4: THE KIDS DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH

Oh wait!! Our biological son didn't speak English either!  All he did was cry (we think it was in English, but he was born in Miami, so for all we knew, he was crying in Spanish).  To my husband and I, this is the most funny reason people give for not hosting.  The kids didn't speak English, but they could communicate FAR more than any newborn I have ever met.  We had a blast with this! The best part about hosting was NOT speaking a common language. It was a challenge!  We made our best effort to learn words from their language as we tried to teach them ours.  It was like a game. Vitalik laughed and laughed and laughed at some of my mis-pronunciations. Now, I say these same Russian phrases to him wrong "on purpose" because it makes for some funny memories.  He had some funny pronunciations that I will never forget too.  For example, the President of the United States was "Balack Oh Mama!" and the Christmas movie where the kid gets left behind for a Paris vacation is called, "Hone Aloma". 

Exception #5: YOU DON'T GET TO KEEP THEM

This is the most difficult part about the hosting experience. You fall in love with these kids, you think they may love you too, and then you have to send them back without knowing what the future has in store.  I have had many people say, "I could never do that! I would get too attached!" or "I don't think I could ever put my son (or daughter) through that!"  Well, friends, my best reply to this is, "There are no certainties in life." The only method that I am aware of for avoiding bad feelings is to never be born in the first place.  People leave, or let you down, get sick, or pass away every single day. I have not yet figured a way around this fact of life.  In fact, in my experience, the people who handle the uncertainties of this process the best ARE the people who have experienced major loss in their life. It takes a major loss to appreciate the time you have with these children, it takes a major loss to empathatize properly with a child who has been through a traumatic past, and it also takes an understanding that we don't *really* have control over anything.  I don't believe in living life recklessly, however, I do believe that God helps those that help themselves.  I believe that big risks equal big rewards. I believe in "Go Big or Go Home".  

I believe in Orphan Hosting.  

How Ukraine Chose Us

So, as I mentioned in a previous post, the idea of hosting a Ukrainian orphan just sounded nuts.  I truly had no interest in it.  Regardless, I had four separate people who didn't even know each other bring me information about hosting children.  I listened politely and responded with something like, "Thank you, but we are currently working with the Foster Care System. " Similar to how I was taught to respond to a Jehovah's Witness who came knocking on the door, "Thank you for stopping by, but I am Catholic."  This way, you aren't exactly saying, "No, you people are crazy." It's more like, "Gosh, I would really like to, but I was born into this Catholic religion.(insert small frown here)" Then follow the next four important steps... 1. Take pamphlet 2. Say, "God Bless you for being out there in the cold!", 3. smile and 4. gently shut the door.

My line about the Foster Care System was true.  We had been working with them, but I am not entirely sure they were working with us. We spent two years giving papers to Children's Home Society, an adoption agency that assists with adopting children from the Foster Care system. Two years, four case workers, 235,324 documents, and 454 background checks later we still had not been matched with one child. Not ONE.  OK, OK, admittedly some of those numbers may be a bit inaccurate, but the part about two years, 4 caseworkers and not one child to meet is absolutely 1000% true.

Our First Meeting with Marina's Kids
A very nice family, the Kaiser's, invited us to an informational meeing about Marina's Kids and hosting. I didn't want to go.  My husband felt we should go and just listen becasue Allison was a co-worker of his, and it was the polite thing to do.  So we went to this meeting to "be polite".

I wish I could say that I remember all the details of that meeting, but what I can remember for certain is that this meeting forever changed my life. When I learned about hosting and all the opportunities it brings these children, I was so choked up that I couldn't even speak to introduce myself.  I just knew that this was something I wanted to be involved in.  Marina's Kids is not about adoption. Marina's Kids works with children in orphanages, helps to improve the living conditions for these children, helps to buy them shoes and clothing, and Marina's Kids also has an orphan hosting program.  It was at this meeting that my feelings about adding to our family were completely transformed.  I realized that adoption or not, there were kids that needed love and help. We could be one of the families who helped these precious children!  When the meeting ended, I was scared to talk with Shad about my feelings.  I wasn't sure he would understand that I wanted to be involved in this ...even if it meant not being able to ever adopt. I wanted to work with this orphanage. I wanted to host one of the children, but beyond that, I wanted to do something for ALL of the children at that orphanage.  We didn't have to be their parents, but we could do SOMETHING to make life better for them all.

I would like to tell you all that we went home or to church and prayed together about it, and God said, "Go for it!". The truth of this story was that it was a Saturday night and our only child had a sleepover to attend.  So, like all good parents without children for a night do, we went to Tyler's Taproom and drank wine over it.  Amazingly, Shad and I had come to the same conclusion. We were willing to relinquish our well-earned Foster Care license to take a risk.  We both agreed that our hearts were led to do this. Perhaps we would never adopt, but we could touch the lives of multiple children through hosting.  I would also like to tell you that all of our friends and family were immediately on board ready to offer all the assistance and support they could, but let's just keep this real.  They thought we were crazy.  Some of them were nice enough to keep their comments to themselves, but it wasn't a popular decision.  Despite this, in a way that still amazes me to this day, we never waivered about this decision. Not once.  We had chosen a path and we were excited! Now to pick a child!

!

Let the nesting begin!  We didn't know who would be in these rooms or for how long, but the Foster Care System requires that you have a bedroom ready.  We were READY!  Now send us some pictures of a child!

So, why did you pick Ukraine?

One of these days when I am feeling brave (or have had too much wine) I am going to look the questioner straight in the  eyes and respond with, "Because we wanted WHITE children." I don't think I could ever bring myself to do this in real life, but in my imagination, it would be pretty hilarious. I honestly wonder if this is what some people think when they ask this question.

The most honest answer I can give to this question is this: Ukraine chose us.

Prior to Ukraine finding us, we had visited an adoption agency in Maine. The lady we talked to was painfully honest and told us that they hadn't placed a baby with a family in 8 years.  Her best advice was to get on social media and try to find a birth mom.  I wasn't even on Facebook yet, so I just couldn't imagine doing what she was suggesting. She had some other helpful advice that included marketing ourselves to high school guidance counselors.  If we did this, she said, we might be able to find a good teenage mother.  WHAT???  "Hi! We are the Roach Family. We really want a baby. Will you give us yours?"  I now know more about what she was advising us to do. There are plenty of people who are matched with their Forever Child in this way, but it sounded it bit crazy at the time......and (get this!).... it seemed like Too. Much. Work. Hahahahahahahaha.....we were so naive! Too much work!  I have no idea what I thought the adoption process was like, but we obviously had a bit more education in our future.

Our next thought was to research International Adoption.  We contacted multiple out of state adoption agencies and had them send us their information.  We may have over-done it, but I remember the next few weeks receiving all these beautiful, colorful books in the mail with pictures of happy families and babies. OH THE BABIES!  Beautiful, beautiful babies!  Stacks and stacks of "baby catalogs" to dream over.  I obsessed over these baby pictures and researched all I could about the requirements for adopting children in different countries. We had set our minds that our future family would most likely include a child of a different ethnicity than our own and we were ready to embrace this.  Something that was important to us, however, was that we wanted to raise our next child in an area that had more diversity than where we were currently living.  We wanted to be in an area where we might even be able to make friends with people from the same country/culture as this future child.

So we moved.  
Without selling our house.
Without jobs.
Without our friends and most of our family...
We left small-town Maine and landed in the Raleigh, NC area.

Some would say this was crazy, but I say it was just good preparation for what we were in for down the road! It was also where we were meant to be because no one in Maine had ever mentioned hosting an orphan from Ukraine before. But here, this was a "thing".  There were actually people who did this! 

And here is where I must end my writing for the day.  I haven't even come close to explaining how Ukraine chose us yet, but one of my beautifully, generous, Ukrainian children has shared a case of influenza with me.  We are currently cohabitating in the big bed coughing and passing the thermometer back and forth admiring each other's scores.  It took me a decade to get to the point where I could be sick in bed with more than one child, so now I need to put on my sick uniform and fully indulge myself in a day of Sponge Bob and Kleenex.  This is a big family milestone to be celebrated with shots of Nyquil!